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Dissolution of Winter

The recent announcement from the Seasonality Division of the USDA made us panic, initially, until we realized nothing is really changing that affects us any more than we’re already being affected naturally. The reported change is simply a new naming convention which, according to the USDA/SD spokesperson, Rafael Maduro, “will better match our reality now that the effects of climate change become inarguable.” He also added, as we concluded ourselves, that “these changes won’t deeply affect humanity as we operate on an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and/or annual basis.” He’s right. The seasons themselves do not govern the way we live. Only businesses use “quarters.”

To businesses the year was once broken down into four, 3-month quarters, but will now be broken into two, 3-month quarter-year trimesters and a single summer trimester encompassing six months of the year, as shown in Fig. 1. We suppose this means terms like Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4 will now be referred to as T1, T2, and T3 (for trimesters). Or something like that, anyway. Colloquially, speaking, Summer will remain named as such. Fall/winter will become “Fallter,” which really is apt. (Did the US Government mean to be witty?!) And for the winter/spring season, they plan to use Springter (yes, it does sound like sphincter) — I don’t know how they decide these things, but we suspect someone is having some fun on our behalf. Not cool, not cool at all.

A Disturbing Trend

To better match our reality,” he said. Is our reality really the dissolution of winter? Wtf?! Creating blended seasons to accommodate the effects of climate change? Two of these seasons sharing a little of themselves in a nod to what was winter. How sad, they’re giving too little of themselves in our opinion. Will we give up and just start calling them “the cold months” or, sadly, will it end up being further abbreviated and called “the cold month,” “the cold weeks,” or “that one nippy day.” This is some crazy f*ck up that we’re probably beyond working out, but, hey, we’re just kidding. It’s April first, after all. Carry on. The future’s lookin’ hot!

Please note that this piece was published on April 1st and is indeed, FAKE NEWS. Thanks for the fun.
Fake news… right?

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